People make me want to crawl into dark hole

I think I may want to break down right now...

Some of you do not understand how my life is. Some of you have no clue what my everyday activities are. I try my hardest at what I do. I pay my bills. I take care of my daughter. I hang out with the same group of people that I do.. I don't go out and party.. I may go out once a week to relieve my stress, but where I go Winter goes normally. I don't appreciate the critics. I don't appreciate the comments that you people feel the need to make. I am no child and have been way beyond my years for so long...I am doing the best I can. I am sorry that to you my life isn't up to your standards.. but I am doing the best I can... stop bugging me..

fill my boat with stones and watch me sink seven leagues under the sea

I just don't want to feel right now. I just don't want to feel like this at least. I am in love with someone. Someone who can't change. I know you arent supposed to ask people to change. I know you're not supposed to want people to change. You are supposed to love people for who they are and I do love him. I do. I think about him all day. But some days, like today I feel like he loves someone else. Maybe we are so completely wrong for each other? Is that possible when we get a long so well??

All I want is for him to want and do better for himself. Everything else will fall into place. But until he sees what a good person he is. Until the up and down roller coaster of emotions ends... I just don't know. I feel second best to everything else. I wish he could talk to me. I wish he could tell me something and stick to it. I wish he loved himself.

But he has to want to change and he doesnt. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know who to talk to about it because everybody else's opinion doesnt really matter to me. I want so much for it to all work out. For this to be my happy ending. That fairytale. I am in love with the impossible.

I just want to wake up and for everything to be better.

I want this nightmare to end.

And All Those Love Songs Make Me Think Of You...

I remembered what it was like to be broken. I remembered what it was like to feel worthless. I can't remember why you had to be the one to make those feelings come back.

For those of you who don't know much about my background, I had a serious problem with destroying myself. I use to hate myself with such passion that I hurt myself. Yes, I was a cutter. No I did not do it for attention. And if you think I did.. go screw off. I did it because whatever I was feeling was too much to take. I did it because I thought I had screwed up my life so bad. I did it so I could watch the blood run out of me and I would feel that whatever those feelings were; were leaving with the blood. Almost as if I was cleansing myself. Yea, how twisted is that?

Well, Since Winter was born I haven't felt the need to do that until last night. I wanted nothing more then to shred my arm and watch me bleed. I didn't though. I was torn down last night. I was informed of what a crazy person I was. And that was the nice way of putting it. And it all came from someone who tells me they love me. How do you love someone that you can stand there and watch cry because of what you have to say about their life decisions. Why am I being criticized for trying to make my life and my daughters life better? Why do you hate me for what I am trying to be? I am in love with you, I accept that you are not perfect and that you do what you do.. I don't criticize you for making your decisions. I don't scream in your face and continue to do so after you repeatedly ask me to stop and I watch your face flood with tears. So why must I be treated that way. You ask why I stay and it is for love. It is for my daughter. It is because deep down I know you are not a horrible person. But I do not deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve to be treated like that at all. I gave birth to our child. I love her and you so much but you love the person I was. Not who I am. Not who I am trying to be. I just want to grow with you. It's not about I change you change. It's about us changing and growing together. If you can't deal with the choices I am making don't let it build up. Don't scream at me. Sit me down and talk to me. If you don't understand why am doing the things I am doing.. ask. Tell me this is important to you. Tell me you are trying to understand but you need me to explain it in detail a little bit more. Don't you see I love you? Don't you see I want us to be our family?

I can't explain the pain that has radiated through my body today. The depression that has washed over me. I want to run away and hide and spend days crying, but I have a child. I have to be strong for her. But being strong is hard and I am only human. You tell me you love me then show me because right now all I see is us falling apart. If had not been for the few people that spoke to me today then who knows what might have happened. If Matt and Ian had not stopped by who would have known? I know that my actions last night weren't right either. I apologized for it. I am sorry.

Now I don't know... Now I am lost.. Now I am so lonely.. Now I am going to bed.

goodnight.

*cough cough sneeze ACHOOO*.. pee

The title is correct. Lately every time I sneeze I pee. Just a little. It's from the whole baby thing. I remember when I was at work once and I sneezed so hard I completely peed my pants. Right there at work. Can you believe that?? Anyways Life is good. Winter is rolling now. My little girl is getting so big. And she's holding her own bottle!!

next she will be crawling..oh no.

friends? haha what friends?

I know most people are going to read this and say that we're friends.. But we're not. I feel like since my little girl has come into the world that 97% of everyone I was friends with has no interest in spending time with me. Even my "best" friends. Yes and if you read that and think you're included you probably are. You call me when I'm convenient to talk to or a last resort or if you need something. But never do I get an invite to go anywhere. Ya know it's just nice to know you were thought of. THE THOUGHT COUNTS.

It sucks. And yes I know sometimes I fail at maintaining communication but I try. when I get a free second I try. it's all just frustrating.

To which the river parts

And to which my heart will follow the flow of the path that I should take.

My life has come to a place where I am utterly and blown away with happiness. I don't even know how one blogs when one is filled with such love. I can't believe how happy I am. Is it strange that I am just holding my breath though. Awaiting for the bottom of my heart to fall out and for it me to be hurt once more? I don't think it could happen but you never know. There are always risks involved.

Winter's next doctor appointment is on Wednesday. I am also cooking for the missionaries that night. We will be enjoying our own personal fiesta of some sorts. Sunday is Mother's Day and I can not believe that it will be one year from which I found out I was pregnant. One year from when my life changed. I want to cook dinner as well that night. Have my mom over and family and just enjoying each other's company. Laugh and play games. I want a big family.

Well I am going to go look at a few things and I suppose I should clean although Madison always makes a mess when I try and clean.

self development

working on ones self is always a challenge. You want to change. Deep down you really do. You want to become the best person you can be. You don't want to let people down. Yet I must be the most successful person at letting you down. I want to make everyone happy so I don't make me happy. When do you say screw it? I'm going to do for me what needs to be done? At the same time I don't blame anyone else. I'm scared. I am afraid to live. Being kept within the house has restricted my interaction with all the things I dont want to do.. but now I am at loss. I am scared I might fail. I will give in to things. I know what some people will say when they read this... but I don't want anyones two cents. I don't want to hear any of that. I just want support. No pressure.

I am starving. Madison just engulfed this lunchable thing. She inhaled it at a ridiculous pace. I am thinking cinnamon bagel... i wish i had defrosted some sausage because that sounds bomb. ooo i want to bake so bad today. Maybe I will find a recipe and whip something up... psh can you say failure in process?? i can!