And All Those Love Songs Make Me Think Of You...

I remembered what it was like to be broken. I remembered what it was like to feel worthless. I can't remember why you had to be the one to make those feelings come back.

For those of you who don't know much about my background, I had a serious problem with destroying myself. I use to hate myself with such passion that I hurt myself. Yes, I was a cutter. No I did not do it for attention. And if you think I did.. go screw off. I did it because whatever I was feeling was too much to take. I did it because I thought I had screwed up my life so bad. I did it so I could watch the blood run out of me and I would feel that whatever those feelings were; were leaving with the blood. Almost as if I was cleansing myself. Yea, how twisted is that?

Well, Since Winter was born I haven't felt the need to do that until last night. I wanted nothing more then to shred my arm and watch me bleed. I didn't though. I was torn down last night. I was informed of what a crazy person I was. And that was the nice way of putting it. And it all came from someone who tells me they love me. How do you love someone that you can stand there and watch cry because of what you have to say about their life decisions. Why am I being criticized for trying to make my life and my daughters life better? Why do you hate me for what I am trying to be? I am in love with you, I accept that you are not perfect and that you do what you do.. I don't criticize you for making your decisions. I don't scream in your face and continue to do so after you repeatedly ask me to stop and I watch your face flood with tears. So why must I be treated that way. You ask why I stay and it is for love. It is for my daughter. It is because deep down I know you are not a horrible person. But I do not deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve to be treated like that at all. I gave birth to our child. I love her and you so much but you love the person I was. Not who I am. Not who I am trying to be. I just want to grow with you. It's not about I change you change. It's about us changing and growing together. If you can't deal with the choices I am making don't let it build up. Don't scream at me. Sit me down and talk to me. If you don't understand why am doing the things I am doing.. ask. Tell me this is important to you. Tell me you are trying to understand but you need me to explain it in detail a little bit more. Don't you see I love you? Don't you see I want us to be our family?

I can't explain the pain that has radiated through my body today. The depression that has washed over me. I want to run away and hide and spend days crying, but I have a child. I have to be strong for her. But being strong is hard and I am only human. You tell me you love me then show me because right now all I see is us falling apart. If had not been for the few people that spoke to me today then who knows what might have happened. If Matt and Ian had not stopped by who would have known? I know that my actions last night weren't right either. I apologized for it. I am sorry.

Now I don't know... Now I am lost.. Now I am so lonely.. Now I am going to bed.

goodnight.