self development

working on ones self is always a challenge. You want to change. Deep down you really do. You want to become the best person you can be. You don't want to let people down. Yet I must be the most successful person at letting you down. I want to make everyone happy so I don't make me happy. When do you say screw it? I'm going to do for me what needs to be done? At the same time I don't blame anyone else. I'm scared. I am afraid to live. Being kept within the house has restricted my interaction with all the things I dont want to do.. but now I am at loss. I am scared I might fail. I will give in to things. I know what some people will say when they read this... but I don't want anyones two cents. I don't want to hear any of that. I just want support. No pressure.

I am starving. Madison just engulfed this lunchable thing. She inhaled it at a ridiculous pace. I am thinking cinnamon bagel... i wish i had defrosted some sausage because that sounds bomb. ooo i want to bake so bad today. Maybe I will find a recipe and whip something up... psh can you say failure in process?? i can!

Do you believe in love after love?

Dear Cher, You are one crazy woman. One crazy old person. One crazy old woman. The concert was fun. I went with probably the greatest people to go see Cher with. Ian and my Matthew. And of course Adam came with. We have been spending a lot of time together now and I must say that I think what we got is going good. I am starting to see the reasons I was in love with him before. I still think there are changes that need to be made and things that need to be worked through but other than the little things I am completely okay with us. I feel bad though because he does tend to be around a lot and I know that April isnt so happy about it. I understand she needs her personal space. A space in which we share. Maybe thats why I am out of the house so much?? I just dont want to annoy her ya know? A angry annoyed April is not a great person that I want to deal with. Which is why I try not to upset her in any way that I can.

Further news I saw Mrs. Leavitt while she was in town this past weekend. I wish I could have spent more time with her. We get along fantastically. It's funny because I talk to her now and I wonder why people were so mean to hurt. Because she actually is an individual and you people are dumb because she didnt conform. Stupid. I got her back so just throwing it out there...

I'm about to take mommy to work so I will write later. I promise xoxoxoxox

From when we talk all night and the minutes are free; I just hope when I cast my spell you'll be falling for me

My life was confusing. Strange. I was unsure about what I wanted. Who I wanted. Where I wanted my life to go, but in the past few days some may say that the sky opened up and a light was shined upon the way I was to take. Sorta.

I have recently found love again. Although I always knew it was there I think fear just rang so strong through me that I didn't know if it was the right choice. But it is and I will stand by my decision.

In other news, the news is on and they are talking about a little boy that is deaf and he was forgotten on a school bus. His name is Hunter. Which, by the way, is what Winter's name would have been had she been a boy. And I am not completely ruling that name out if I have another child but I think the next time I decide to have a little one, it will be planned and there will be someone else in the picture the WHOLE time. And oh, how I want more kids.

Is it that annoying that I want the big family, big house, and dogs. To be able to go to work and come home and spend time with my amazing family? Some people think that I am crazy for all of that. I can't help it. I want to make people sick with how happy my family is. I want to have weekly dinners with my family and my extended family. oh now now I am getting ahead of myself and I can tell. Anyways I am out of here.

ZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

liars, back stabbers, whores

Today I am angry. I am upset. I am hurt. I am tired. I would like nothing more than to nap away my day but I am not capable of doing that. I must say that I am overly hurt by certain people right now. People who I want to smack and tell them how low of a person they are and after all I have done for them, they can't just give a little back. Like L. I have been there for her whenever she needs me. And when I need something from her. !Poof! She's too busy. I don't care if you were too busy. Unless you are dying you can spare two minutes for me to ask you a damn question after all the times I have shown up to rescue you or taken your side or.. UHG!!! And there are other people. I just feel so strangled. I am too nice to other people. I want to help all I can so I do. I give up my freedom and my time to help others. Which makes me finally see that some people are inconsiderate lying pieces of dirt.

I am confused about what I want. I know I want to be happy, but when do you start to be happy??? I don't know if I should be making a decision based on the fact that it will make Winter happy and me unhappy or Winter unhappy and me happy. I just have no clue what to do. Especially after all the talk about sleeping with the ex. I mean, I know I am no saint but at least I wasnt sitting there saying how bad I wanted so and so back while pounding my ex in the back of the car. Lovely. Makes me throw up in my mouth.

I wish I could be Airell from high school. The strong fearless girl. Not afraid to speak her mind. Always putting in her two cents. Yet now I just feel like the used, passed around, unhappy, scared little girl. I try and find comfort in things like yes, God and prayer or cooking and cleaning. Playing with Madison and Winter. But still I find myself thinking that I am not good enough. That I am being used by everyone around me. That there is not one true honest person out there.

20

I am two decades old. I am two decades young. I don't feel any different than I did at 19. What a tease these numbers can be. One more year and I can be an official legal. There are no boundaries after 21. And what does little old me want to do when I turn the important age that signifies bing drinking and losses of money into coin operated machines? I want to play mother flipping burger BINGO. That's right. Bingo. =)

Besides the craving to legally spend my money hanging with senior citizens; I had an.. ok birthday. It wasn't bad. I did cry and I had my upsetting moments. I had the company of some awesome people. I got a birthday lunch and the greatest gift a computer gamer could want is World of War craft. Yes that is my inner geek showing. honestly don't mind sharing that little piece of me with the world.

I was upset because there were certain people who didn't even wish me a happy birthday. And it stung. Really stung. Like, they mattered a lot to me, but obviously I don't matter to them. Anyways, I'm leaving. Goodnight world

the countdown to twenty

Ah.. the countdown to twenty is right there.. something like 4 hours. And then twenty, which of course will feel no different than 19 except for the fact that I get to drop the 'teen' part. Which I feel like I dropped so long go. I made plans for dinner on Thursday with people. Notice I say people because we'll wait see how many show because the people that do show will be friends. Oh man.

Not to mention I'm ridiculously confused about my love life right now. Okay sit back. We will call Guy A... Batman. And We will call Guy B... Superman. Don't ask about why they have those names. I'm just thinking they both have done so much for me. Anyways back to my love drama.

Batman is super sweet. But we have had our series of personal issues. We have recently began to... talk about those issues and trying to work through them. Now Superman, He's amazing. He has never done anything to hurt me. He is only trying to help me in every way that he knows how. We have a lot in common and I know that he's open and honest. So what do I do. Go back or move on... I just I could possible love both and I dont want to do that. I want to stand by my decision and that be that. I don't want to lead anyone on because that is a mean spineless thing to do. oh dear. what in the world should I do..

I feel like banging my head against a wall. On a lighter less confusing note. I have two presents sitting next to me.. mmmm temptation. I want to open them. Really bad. like superdidooper bad.

well I'll write more later.

xoxox

Stupid Easter Holiday

I am seriously disappointed in my mother right now. It's my sister's 27th birthday and Easter and my mother has made other plans. What kind of mom does that? I wish I could slap her across her face and tell her what a dumb idiot she is. She says we didnt make plans with her. Which is total and complete bullshit. We planned on dinner tonight, and then she said she had to work, and then today we find out how late she has to work which is like 6 and say we'll wait for her and she says no. That she talked to April this morning and April didnt seem to care whether or not she was there tonight. I don't give a flying F about how she sounded. Today is supposed to be spent with family. And my family is here. Except my mom.

I don't really count my dad in that family category only because he does the same thing every year for every holiday. Spend it with that INSANE part of my family. Actually my cousins aren't bad... and I love my grandma, but my aunt despises me for my decision to have my child. I dont know.

I use to think my friends were all I had. Then they left.. Then I thought family will always have your back, but not mine. My family is full of crazy; insane mental people. I just wish I could cut out the people that dont matter anymore, but I cant figure out how to weed them out of my garden of life.

Happy Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FML

A whole day of 16 and Pregnant makes me feel like I'm a good mom because some of those girls are dumb bad moms. I don't want to be a bad mom. I want to be a great mom. Someone my daughter can go to for anything. I have serious doubts in myself though. What if I screw up. I don't want her to suffer, or to hate me for anything. But if memory serves me right; mothers and daughters were born to fight.

My birthday just seems to be inching closer. I want to hide under a rock. No one wants to do anything I want to do.. and the things I think of just are too expensive. I don't have the money to spend do anything. I'm to stressed out about buying a car and getting a job and finding daycare. I wish my life was simpler. But I made my decisions and now I have to deal with them. I am so stupid. My life will fall apart. I can tell. I will crash and burn. I'm teetering on that feeling right now. And yes I know there are people I can talk to who are willing to listen to me, but it doesn't matter. There's nothing they can do. There is no way they can help me. I really cant describe how mush of a struggle this thing is. I want to make the best life for my daughter, but there are serious doubts in myself. I am not a positive thinking person all the time so hearing the stupid positive things makes me hate my life a little bit more.

I just want all the stupid puzzle pieces to come together. I'm done doing it alone. I'm done being stuck in this house.I'm done being broke. I better have my shit together by the end of this year or else I give up. seriously.

...what to do..what to do

Adam just picked Winter up a few minutes ago. Tonight's the first night she spends the night with him. As a general rule of motherhood, I am worried. I know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt her but it really is just the whole mother thing. Being away from my child. Uhg. I have a headache from just the thought that she wont be here tonight. I miss her already.

Well, Sunday is April's birthday. Turning 27. Monday, is Winter's next doctor appointment. Wednesday is my birthday. Turning 20. I am officially a teenager for another 6 whole days. I know it won't feel any different. I know I've been past that stage for a long time. When you have a child you change. Things change. People in your life change. I'll write more later.