liars, back stabbers, whores

Today I am angry. I am upset. I am hurt. I am tired. I would like nothing more than to nap away my day but I am not capable of doing that. I must say that I am overly hurt by certain people right now. People who I want to smack and tell them how low of a person they are and after all I have done for them, they can't just give a little back. Like L. I have been there for her whenever she needs me. And when I need something from her. !Poof! She's too busy. I don't care if you were too busy. Unless you are dying you can spare two minutes for me to ask you a damn question after all the times I have shown up to rescue you or taken your side or.. UHG!!! And there are other people. I just feel so strangled. I am too nice to other people. I want to help all I can so I do. I give up my freedom and my time to help others. Which makes me finally see that some people are inconsiderate lying pieces of dirt.

I am confused about what I want. I know I want to be happy, but when do you start to be happy??? I don't know if I should be making a decision based on the fact that it will make Winter happy and me unhappy or Winter unhappy and me happy. I just have no clue what to do. Especially after all the talk about sleeping with the ex. I mean, I know I am no saint but at least I wasnt sitting there saying how bad I wanted so and so back while pounding my ex in the back of the car. Lovely. Makes me throw up in my mouth.

I wish I could be Airell from high school. The strong fearless girl. Not afraid to speak her mind. Always putting in her two cents. Yet now I just feel like the used, passed around, unhappy, scared little girl. I try and find comfort in things like yes, God and prayer or cooking and cleaning. Playing with Madison and Winter. But still I find myself thinking that I am not good enough. That I am being used by everyone around me. That there is not one true honest person out there.