People make me want to crawl into dark hole

I think I may want to break down right now...

Some of you do not understand how my life is. Some of you have no clue what my everyday activities are. I try my hardest at what I do. I pay my bills. I take care of my daughter. I hang out with the same group of people that I do.. I don't go out and party.. I may go out once a week to relieve my stress, but where I go Winter goes normally. I don't appreciate the critics. I don't appreciate the comments that you people feel the need to make. I am no child and have been way beyond my years for so long...I am doing the best I can. I am sorry that to you my life isn't up to your standards.. but I am doing the best I can... stop bugging me..

fill my boat with stones and watch me sink seven leagues under the sea

I just don't want to feel right now. I just don't want to feel like this at least. I am in love with someone. Someone who can't change. I know you arent supposed to ask people to change. I know you're not supposed to want people to change. You are supposed to love people for who they are and I do love him. I do. I think about him all day. But some days, like today I feel like he loves someone else. Maybe we are so completely wrong for each other? Is that possible when we get a long so well??

All I want is for him to want and do better for himself. Everything else will fall into place. But until he sees what a good person he is. Until the up and down roller coaster of emotions ends... I just don't know. I feel second best to everything else. I wish he could talk to me. I wish he could tell me something and stick to it. I wish he loved himself.

But he has to want to change and he doesnt. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont know who to talk to about it because everybody else's opinion doesnt really matter to me. I want so much for it to all work out. For this to be my happy ending. That fairytale. I am in love with the impossible.

I just want to wake up and for everything to be better.

I want this nightmare to end.

And All Those Love Songs Make Me Think Of You...

I remembered what it was like to be broken. I remembered what it was like to feel worthless. I can't remember why you had to be the one to make those feelings come back.

For those of you who don't know much about my background, I had a serious problem with destroying myself. I use to hate myself with such passion that I hurt myself. Yes, I was a cutter. No I did not do it for attention. And if you think I did.. go screw off. I did it because whatever I was feeling was too much to take. I did it because I thought I had screwed up my life so bad. I did it so I could watch the blood run out of me and I would feel that whatever those feelings were; were leaving with the blood. Almost as if I was cleansing myself. Yea, how twisted is that?

Well, Since Winter was born I haven't felt the need to do that until last night. I wanted nothing more then to shred my arm and watch me bleed. I didn't though. I was torn down last night. I was informed of what a crazy person I was. And that was the nice way of putting it. And it all came from someone who tells me they love me. How do you love someone that you can stand there and watch cry because of what you have to say about their life decisions. Why am I being criticized for trying to make my life and my daughters life better? Why do you hate me for what I am trying to be? I am in love with you, I accept that you are not perfect and that you do what you do.. I don't criticize you for making your decisions. I don't scream in your face and continue to do so after you repeatedly ask me to stop and I watch your face flood with tears. So why must I be treated that way. You ask why I stay and it is for love. It is for my daughter. It is because deep down I know you are not a horrible person. But I do not deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve to be treated like that at all. I gave birth to our child. I love her and you so much but you love the person I was. Not who I am. Not who I am trying to be. I just want to grow with you. It's not about I change you change. It's about us changing and growing together. If you can't deal with the choices I am making don't let it build up. Don't scream at me. Sit me down and talk to me. If you don't understand why am doing the things I am doing.. ask. Tell me this is important to you. Tell me you are trying to understand but you need me to explain it in detail a little bit more. Don't you see I love you? Don't you see I want us to be our family?

I can't explain the pain that has radiated through my body today. The depression that has washed over me. I want to run away and hide and spend days crying, but I have a child. I have to be strong for her. But being strong is hard and I am only human. You tell me you love me then show me because right now all I see is us falling apart. If had not been for the few people that spoke to me today then who knows what might have happened. If Matt and Ian had not stopped by who would have known? I know that my actions last night weren't right either. I apologized for it. I am sorry.

Now I don't know... Now I am lost.. Now I am so lonely.. Now I am going to bed.

goodnight.

*cough cough sneeze ACHOOO*.. pee

The title is correct. Lately every time I sneeze I pee. Just a little. It's from the whole baby thing. I remember when I was at work once and I sneezed so hard I completely peed my pants. Right there at work. Can you believe that?? Anyways Life is good. Winter is rolling now. My little girl is getting so big. And she's holding her own bottle!!

next she will be crawling..oh no.

friends? haha what friends?

I know most people are going to read this and say that we're friends.. But we're not. I feel like since my little girl has come into the world that 97% of everyone I was friends with has no interest in spending time with me. Even my "best" friends. Yes and if you read that and think you're included you probably are. You call me when I'm convenient to talk to or a last resort or if you need something. But never do I get an invite to go anywhere. Ya know it's just nice to know you were thought of. THE THOUGHT COUNTS.

It sucks. And yes I know sometimes I fail at maintaining communication but I try. when I get a free second I try. it's all just frustrating.

To which the river parts

And to which my heart will follow the flow of the path that I should take.

My life has come to a place where I am utterly and blown away with happiness. I don't even know how one blogs when one is filled with such love. I can't believe how happy I am. Is it strange that I am just holding my breath though. Awaiting for the bottom of my heart to fall out and for it me to be hurt once more? I don't think it could happen but you never know. There are always risks involved.

Winter's next doctor appointment is on Wednesday. I am also cooking for the missionaries that night. We will be enjoying our own personal fiesta of some sorts. Sunday is Mother's Day and I can not believe that it will be one year from which I found out I was pregnant. One year from when my life changed. I want to cook dinner as well that night. Have my mom over and family and just enjoying each other's company. Laugh and play games. I want a big family.

Well I am going to go look at a few things and I suppose I should clean although Madison always makes a mess when I try and clean.

self development

working on ones self is always a challenge. You want to change. Deep down you really do. You want to become the best person you can be. You don't want to let people down. Yet I must be the most successful person at letting you down. I want to make everyone happy so I don't make me happy. When do you say screw it? I'm going to do for me what needs to be done? At the same time I don't blame anyone else. I'm scared. I am afraid to live. Being kept within the house has restricted my interaction with all the things I dont want to do.. but now I am at loss. I am scared I might fail. I will give in to things. I know what some people will say when they read this... but I don't want anyones two cents. I don't want to hear any of that. I just want support. No pressure.

I am starving. Madison just engulfed this lunchable thing. She inhaled it at a ridiculous pace. I am thinking cinnamon bagel... i wish i had defrosted some sausage because that sounds bomb. ooo i want to bake so bad today. Maybe I will find a recipe and whip something up... psh can you say failure in process?? i can!

Do you believe in love after love?

Dear Cher, You are one crazy woman. One crazy old person. One crazy old woman. The concert was fun. I went with probably the greatest people to go see Cher with. Ian and my Matthew. And of course Adam came with. We have been spending a lot of time together now and I must say that I think what we got is going good. I am starting to see the reasons I was in love with him before. I still think there are changes that need to be made and things that need to be worked through but other than the little things I am completely okay with us. I feel bad though because he does tend to be around a lot and I know that April isnt so happy about it. I understand she needs her personal space. A space in which we share. Maybe thats why I am out of the house so much?? I just dont want to annoy her ya know? A angry annoyed April is not a great person that I want to deal with. Which is why I try not to upset her in any way that I can.

Further news I saw Mrs. Leavitt while she was in town this past weekend. I wish I could have spent more time with her. We get along fantastically. It's funny because I talk to her now and I wonder why people were so mean to hurt. Because she actually is an individual and you people are dumb because she didnt conform. Stupid. I got her back so just throwing it out there...

I'm about to take mommy to work so I will write later. I promise xoxoxoxox

From when we talk all night and the minutes are free; I just hope when I cast my spell you'll be falling for me

My life was confusing. Strange. I was unsure about what I wanted. Who I wanted. Where I wanted my life to go, but in the past few days some may say that the sky opened up and a light was shined upon the way I was to take. Sorta.

I have recently found love again. Although I always knew it was there I think fear just rang so strong through me that I didn't know if it was the right choice. But it is and I will stand by my decision.

In other news, the news is on and they are talking about a little boy that is deaf and he was forgotten on a school bus. His name is Hunter. Which, by the way, is what Winter's name would have been had she been a boy. And I am not completely ruling that name out if I have another child but I think the next time I decide to have a little one, it will be planned and there will be someone else in the picture the WHOLE time. And oh, how I want more kids.

Is it that annoying that I want the big family, big house, and dogs. To be able to go to work and come home and spend time with my amazing family? Some people think that I am crazy for all of that. I can't help it. I want to make people sick with how happy my family is. I want to have weekly dinners with my family and my extended family. oh now now I am getting ahead of myself and I can tell. Anyways I am out of here.

ZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

liars, back stabbers, whores

Today I am angry. I am upset. I am hurt. I am tired. I would like nothing more than to nap away my day but I am not capable of doing that. I must say that I am overly hurt by certain people right now. People who I want to smack and tell them how low of a person they are and after all I have done for them, they can't just give a little back. Like L. I have been there for her whenever she needs me. And when I need something from her. !Poof! She's too busy. I don't care if you were too busy. Unless you are dying you can spare two minutes for me to ask you a damn question after all the times I have shown up to rescue you or taken your side or.. UHG!!! And there are other people. I just feel so strangled. I am too nice to other people. I want to help all I can so I do. I give up my freedom and my time to help others. Which makes me finally see that some people are inconsiderate lying pieces of dirt.

I am confused about what I want. I know I want to be happy, but when do you start to be happy??? I don't know if I should be making a decision based on the fact that it will make Winter happy and me unhappy or Winter unhappy and me happy. I just have no clue what to do. Especially after all the talk about sleeping with the ex. I mean, I know I am no saint but at least I wasnt sitting there saying how bad I wanted so and so back while pounding my ex in the back of the car. Lovely. Makes me throw up in my mouth.

I wish I could be Airell from high school. The strong fearless girl. Not afraid to speak her mind. Always putting in her two cents. Yet now I just feel like the used, passed around, unhappy, scared little girl. I try and find comfort in things like yes, God and prayer or cooking and cleaning. Playing with Madison and Winter. But still I find myself thinking that I am not good enough. That I am being used by everyone around me. That there is not one true honest person out there.

20

I am two decades old. I am two decades young. I don't feel any different than I did at 19. What a tease these numbers can be. One more year and I can be an official legal. There are no boundaries after 21. And what does little old me want to do when I turn the important age that signifies bing drinking and losses of money into coin operated machines? I want to play mother flipping burger BINGO. That's right. Bingo. =)

Besides the craving to legally spend my money hanging with senior citizens; I had an.. ok birthday. It wasn't bad. I did cry and I had my upsetting moments. I had the company of some awesome people. I got a birthday lunch and the greatest gift a computer gamer could want is World of War craft. Yes that is my inner geek showing. honestly don't mind sharing that little piece of me with the world.

I was upset because there were certain people who didn't even wish me a happy birthday. And it stung. Really stung. Like, they mattered a lot to me, but obviously I don't matter to them. Anyways, I'm leaving. Goodnight world

the countdown to twenty

Ah.. the countdown to twenty is right there.. something like 4 hours. And then twenty, which of course will feel no different than 19 except for the fact that I get to drop the 'teen' part. Which I feel like I dropped so long go. I made plans for dinner on Thursday with people. Notice I say people because we'll wait see how many show because the people that do show will be friends. Oh man.

Not to mention I'm ridiculously confused about my love life right now. Okay sit back. We will call Guy A... Batman. And We will call Guy B... Superman. Don't ask about why they have those names. I'm just thinking they both have done so much for me. Anyways back to my love drama.

Batman is super sweet. But we have had our series of personal issues. We have recently began to... talk about those issues and trying to work through them. Now Superman, He's amazing. He has never done anything to hurt me. He is only trying to help me in every way that he knows how. We have a lot in common and I know that he's open and honest. So what do I do. Go back or move on... I just I could possible love both and I dont want to do that. I want to stand by my decision and that be that. I don't want to lead anyone on because that is a mean spineless thing to do. oh dear. what in the world should I do..

I feel like banging my head against a wall. On a lighter less confusing note. I have two presents sitting next to me.. mmmm temptation. I want to open them. Really bad. like superdidooper bad.

well I'll write more later.

xoxox

Stupid Easter Holiday

I am seriously disappointed in my mother right now. It's my sister's 27th birthday and Easter and my mother has made other plans. What kind of mom does that? I wish I could slap her across her face and tell her what a dumb idiot she is. She says we didnt make plans with her. Which is total and complete bullshit. We planned on dinner tonight, and then she said she had to work, and then today we find out how late she has to work which is like 6 and say we'll wait for her and she says no. That she talked to April this morning and April didnt seem to care whether or not she was there tonight. I don't give a flying F about how she sounded. Today is supposed to be spent with family. And my family is here. Except my mom.

I don't really count my dad in that family category only because he does the same thing every year for every holiday. Spend it with that INSANE part of my family. Actually my cousins aren't bad... and I love my grandma, but my aunt despises me for my decision to have my child. I dont know.

I use to think my friends were all I had. Then they left.. Then I thought family will always have your back, but not mine. My family is full of crazy; insane mental people. I just wish I could cut out the people that dont matter anymore, but I cant figure out how to weed them out of my garden of life.

Happy Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FML

A whole day of 16 and Pregnant makes me feel like I'm a good mom because some of those girls are dumb bad moms. I don't want to be a bad mom. I want to be a great mom. Someone my daughter can go to for anything. I have serious doubts in myself though. What if I screw up. I don't want her to suffer, or to hate me for anything. But if memory serves me right; mothers and daughters were born to fight.

My birthday just seems to be inching closer. I want to hide under a rock. No one wants to do anything I want to do.. and the things I think of just are too expensive. I don't have the money to spend do anything. I'm to stressed out about buying a car and getting a job and finding daycare. I wish my life was simpler. But I made my decisions and now I have to deal with them. I am so stupid. My life will fall apart. I can tell. I will crash and burn. I'm teetering on that feeling right now. And yes I know there are people I can talk to who are willing to listen to me, but it doesn't matter. There's nothing they can do. There is no way they can help me. I really cant describe how mush of a struggle this thing is. I want to make the best life for my daughter, but there are serious doubts in myself. I am not a positive thinking person all the time so hearing the stupid positive things makes me hate my life a little bit more.

I just want all the stupid puzzle pieces to come together. I'm done doing it alone. I'm done being stuck in this house.I'm done being broke. I better have my shit together by the end of this year or else I give up. seriously.

...what to do..what to do

Adam just picked Winter up a few minutes ago. Tonight's the first night she spends the night with him. As a general rule of motherhood, I am worried. I know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt her but it really is just the whole mother thing. Being away from my child. Uhg. I have a headache from just the thought that she wont be here tonight. I miss her already.

Well, Sunday is April's birthday. Turning 27. Monday, is Winter's next doctor appointment. Wednesday is my birthday. Turning 20. I am officially a teenager for another 6 whole days. I know it won't feel any different. I know I've been past that stage for a long time. When you have a child you change. Things change. People in your life change. I'll write more later.

Must be posted by 9:45p.m

Today was a long and exacerbating day. Lots of running from here to there and handling the crocodile tears of a 4 year old deeply upset by my decision to not by her ridiculously expensive clothes for her dolls. Stupid Mall. Stupid prices. Stupid economy.

And I was running on like 3 1/2 hours of sleep..... courtesy of insomnia, Adam, and a horrible nightmare about zombie's attacking me an at the very end of it, right before I awoke, they snatched Winter out of my arms and I could hear her screaming while they pinned me down. It was a horrible nightmare. A horrible disgusting nightmare.

Anyways this blog entry can't be long because I am being babysat *cugh cough* Leavitt. She knows how cranky and tired I sound because we just got off the phone.. And she's right.. my eyelids are heavy and i could use the sleep.

goodnight

11:30 - 11:46p.m.

I feel sick. My tummy doesn't feel good. I sound like I'm 4 when I say that. Maybe thats a sign of my maturity level. I like cartoons? I like little kid things. Maybe I am a 4 year old at heart. I love bugging the crap out of people... 4 year olds seem to be real good at doing that. So I accomplished talking to Leavitt,, and Adam tonight. Leavitt called me to tell me I officially (but apparently I've always had) obtained best friend status. It was cute. Se makes me laugh. Leavitt lives in California and has to be one of the most impressing people I know. We have a lot in common. And she's a HUGE sweetheart.

Derek is....... well we hang out. He is the most confusing person ever. EVER. We pretty much spend our time talking about being single parents and our kids and how we did this with child; or we did that with child. He makes me laugh really hard too, but he does send this.... be afraid of what I say around him thing. I don't like that. I've never been one to sit back and not say what I've had to say before. Maybe I've just learned that there is a time and place for everything and that some arguments just aren't worth having the fight over. hmmm....

Adam is Winter's dad. He's my ex. We're on.. decent terms. Sometimes he drives me up a wall and sometimes he isn't so bad. He knows a lot about me. Things that not a lot of people know. Which in turn is probably not a good thing... I've always been one to learn the hard way. Adam use to be my boss at Big 5... probably not the smartest idea hooking up with your boss, but what can I say. I've never been good with rules. =)

Winter turned 3 months old today. She is getting so big. I went through her stuff and started putting it aside to send to Sam. I mean, what else am I going to do with a crazy amount of baby clothes. keep them just in case I have another baby? I think no. I mean I would love to have another baby. But not now. Not until there's a ring on my finger and a steady man in my life who loves me and Winter. She will always have Adam, but I want to know the man that I marry can love and care for her too.....

okay. I'm done. Coughing sucks. P.S.

Saturday

I officially don't like today. I don't like it at all. Punch me in the face.

stupid internet

4:05 am Friday MOrning

I am typing this on my word processor cuz my internet is wack. I will copy and paste at a later date. I woke myself and Winter up because I was coughing up a lung. I would like nothing more than to stop coughing. I hate coughing. It’s ugly. But one interesting fact caught my eye when I woke up.. A envelope signifying a text message on my cell phone. Him. The past. Why must he send me text messages? Isn’t he busy living his life? Isn’t he busy not changing? Uhg. I hate that. And then stupid me actually responds. Dumb Dumb. I really hate myself right now. You know you get to a certain point where you are just sick of being the one chick who’s the back up plan. I should get a shirt that says that. Back Up plan. FML…. I don’t like anything. don’t like that it’s becoming bathing suit season, or that it’s spring break for most people. I hate that my birthday is coming up. I don’t want to do anything. I want to hibernate and not do anything. I know I am saying that right now and that it might change on my birthday, but I just don’t have the enthusiasm to even plan something. I just feel like hiding under a rock until it’s done and over with. I think I come off desperate. Too desperate. For friends. For someone special. I feel ugly on the inside. Back to sleep.

Nyquil && Dreams

I took my Nyquil last night. The recommended dose and man did I have the most ludacris dreams one could have. They say that those who chug cough medicine talk to God. Might I add that the "they" I speak about are none other than those who chug the cough medicine.

So I didn't have this great revelation or anything, I did however dream of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And by Smith, I mean Will and Jada. Thats right. And we went to Disneyland and my granny was there. And I got caught in this whole fight with Will's brother Dennis about him calling me a whore because of the room I was staying in. Which you could get to by this pop out, push in, pull down maneuver in the ceiling. And when I went to seek out comfort from Jada I noticed two strange things. One, her daughters were white and two, they had apple jacks looped through their hair. Weird. I think I will pass on Nyquil from now on.

I Just Wanna...............

Oh dear.. It's midnight. I should be sleeping, but I can't Winter's fast asleep... snoozing away. T.V. is on and it's stuck on my favorite ultimate paranoia channel.. DISCOVERY HEALTH CHANNEL! Chica chica what?!? Yes. I am addicted to the craziness of this channel. All of it's trans-gender, Pregnancy, and mystery diagnosis make me love it. Well, I was just messaging Sam on FB about her newly stated mommy title. I realized, it is really hard to be a single mom. All the ups and downs. The emotional struggle along with everything else. It is emotionally draining. I love my daughter and I wouldn't change the decision to have her at all, but it is a lonely life. I don't leave the house all that often and I dont go party like most kids my age. And it's not even that I want to, it's just sometimes I wish I had the option. I don't have anyone to hold me when things go wrong. Yes, I have people I can turn to to talk to about it, but I it's not the same as having that ONE person there. Your other half. I start to doubt that there is another half to me. The possibility that there might not be is always lurking there..... I know everyone says I'm young, but it seems like the "in" thing to do. Marry or find the one at that young age. I dont know.

I'm still sick so I am going to take nyquil and pass out. Goodnight

Disney/Nickelodeon

I reek. Something nasty too. I need to take a shower. A good shower after you've been sick is next to the best thing ever! Winter is still sick. I feel so bad for her. All coughing and stuffy. My niece is watching Hannah Montana. Personally, I'm not fond of her. I mean, she can't sing. And I don't think she's pretty at all. Selena Gomez though, now thats a girl who can sing. Although she just is the hispanic version of Miley Cyrus. Who is the future washed up Britney Spears.

Check this picture out ------->

I have to say it is somewhat dissapointing to see the Disney youth go bad, but most have. Sure Nickelodeon drops the big G word a lot, but I don't recall Nickelodeon's kids go haywire. I hope the best for her but I won't be buying any Cyrus crap anytime soon.

I'm Not Down With The Sickness

I finally accomplished connecting to the internet while laying in bed. Dying, if I might add. No, I'm not really dying just feeling as if I am dying. I have a cold. A nasty little bug which has decided to inhabit my body for a few days. Which means a spread of cold medicine's and tissues and Vick's Vapor rub. Uhg. Being sick is ultimately the worst feeling in the world. I feel horrible too because I don't want to get Winter sick. My Poor little girl :( She seems to be fending it off better than myself. Lucky her. I can hear April talking in the living room with Suri? I have no clue how to spell her name. And she's been best friends with my sister since middle school. Ridiculous. Tomorrow is Wednesday....and I think there's a bunch of important stuff happening. And my empty head can't remember. I know Thursday night Sarah and I have pizza puzzle night. Yea, we're strange. But Strange people make the world a better place.

The Beinning

First let me introduce myself, my name is Airell and this is my blog. I will tell all. No secrets, No lies. But the honest and brutal truth about me and the people involved with me. Honesty is the for front of all relationships. Therefore, should you choose to become an avid reader of my mixed up life beware that should we be to ever meet; I might just blog about you.